Things You'll Never HearSee on One Piece
by OverChasm
Summary: The name says it all. Brand new chapter!
1. Chapter 1

**Things You'll Never Hear/See on One Piece  
**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, and I didn't think of all this myself. Please review. A little OOCness (Wait, that's the point).  
Okay, I'm just taking a short break from making my other fanfic to write this, but before I start, I must give credit to the people on the 4kids.tv One Piece forum, since they thought a lot of this up. Thank you.

* * *

It was a calm day on the Going Merry, and as Sanji watched the ocean from the stern deck, he thought, _You know what? I think I'll quit smoking. It's just too harmful for my body, and everybody should just be healthy. In fact, I think I'll go easy on every person I fight from now on. I don't like to kick people so hard that their bones get smashed._

"Sanji-kun!"

_Oh no,_ thought Sanji. _It can't be!_

But he turned around and saw her! Nami! She was chasing Sanji again with hearts in her eyes! Sanji screamed and ran down towards the starboard deck, Nami following him the whole way.

Meanwhile, Zoro was playing a game of Yu-Gi-Oh with Chopper, who was sucking on a lolipop and eating from a bag of chocolate (Very bad for your dental hygiene). Then, as Luffy came out of the galley, he asked, "Hey Zolo- er, I mean..."

Then Zoro said, "Oh, that's okay, you can call me Zolo."

"Okay." said Luffy. "Well, I've been thinking (Oh my gosh! Luffy's been thinking!). I've always wanted to become King of the pirates, but lately, I've been more interested in biology, navigation, and perpetual motion..."(I'm not quite sure what that is either)

"Well, that's great!" said Zoro. "You can become our navigator now, since Nami is always too busy flirting with Sanji!"

Then Usopp walked out of the cabin and said, "Hey Zolo, would you mind if I tried using your swords? Lately, I've been in the mood to try something other than slingshots."

"I don't mind," replied Zoro. "But lately, I've also been in the mood to try something else."

"Okay then," said Usopp. "We'll trade, my slingshot for your swords."  
"All right," replied Zoro. "It's so good that we can always reach a compromise without argueing."

Then Luffy said, "Actually, I've been wanting to test my coordination and reflexes with Zolo's swords."

"Oh," replied Usopp. "Then you use them."

"That's okay," answered Luffy, "You asked first."

"But I insist." replied Usopp.

"Nah," said Luffy, "You can use those swords first. After all, sharing is caring. And besides, you're the captain."

Then Usopp replied, "No, I'm not the captain here."

"Then who is? asked Luffy.

Usopp answered, "Why, without doubt, that would be-" He was interrupted by a shout, and Luffy, Usopp, Zoro, and Chopper looked up at the crow's nest, which Sanji had retreated to, only to be cornered by Nami.

"Nami!" shouted Zoro, "You can't hump Sanji! You can only hump your mom!"

Chopper continued to eat, his mouth too full to say anything.

Then Robin walked out of the cabin yawning. "Is it time for lunch yet?"

"Well Robin," spoke Usopp, "Normally, Sanji would have started cooking it by now, but... yeah."

Then Luffy said with glee, "Then I guess it's my turn to cook now! Don't worry, everyone! I'll make sure this meal is loaded with vegetables!"

As Luffy headed towards the galley, Zoro spoke, "You know, Robin, you're a really lazy person. Why don't you exercise once in a while, or even read a book?"

"I will," Robin answered, "If you pay me."

Then Sanji yelled, "Oi! There's a pirate ship coming this way!". Then Luffy came out from the galley and they all looked at the huge galleon, towering over the Going Merry. Everybody panicked and started running, until they heard one person among them saying, "We cannot just run around and worry about our lives! It's time to fight! Because no matter what obstacle comes our way, we are pirates! And pirates must always fight for their dreams!". Suddenly, the rest of the Straw Hat pirates became inspired, and they fought the other pirate ship face on, and won.

* * *

Afterwards...

Luffy: Lunch is ready, everybody! And it's full of vegetables!

Zoro: I want you to eat, Luffy. I know you're on a diet, but lately, you've been overdoing it and it seems like an eating disorder.

Sanji: Yes, and remember to eat meat. It's full of protein that's good for your body.

Robin: Ah, we got so much treasure, and it's all mine!

Nami: But, I want to give it to the poor...

Usopp: All right, everybody, it's time to raise a glass for our captain, who has once more led us from tragedy, and will one day become King of the pirates! KANPAI!

Everybody: HOORAY FOR CHOPPER!

There, a story that you will never, ever hear/see in One Piece.


	2. Chapter 2

**More Things You'll Never Hear/See in One Piece.**

Yes, there's a sequel now. The first one wasn't actually a dub bash, except for the Zolo part, but this one will have a bit more dub-bashing humor.  
Disclaimer: I don't watch the news much, so here's the deal: Just in case someone murdered Eiichiro Oda and took over the One Piece business, that was not me. Please review.

* * *

The sun was rising, and a rooster crowed. As Zoro(Zolo) was walking out of the cabin, he yawned and thought _Wait a minute, where did that rooster come from?_ He shrugged and walked over to the kitchen. Opening the refridgerator door, he pulled out a bottle of soymilk and drank some of it(ACK! soymilk!). As he then walked back out onto the deck, he looked out towards the ocean and said, "You know what, I'm going to stop being such a selfish punk and go visit Kuina, who did not fall down the stairs of the dojo and die, but was actually beaten up by several adult students and became permanently hospitalized. It was a shameful thing for those adults to do as well, disobeying the student creed that sensei taught. 

Luffy walked out of the cabin wearing glasses, with Chopper and Usopp behind him. "So, are we ready?" asked Zoro.

"Yup," said Luffy. "Robin has Nami trapped with her Devil Fruit powers."

"All right," said Chopper. "Everyone man your station."

Zoro pressed and held a button next to the kitchen door, while Luffy stretched out his arm towards the top of the mast and pressed the button there, Usopp lifted a plank and pressed the button under it, and Chopper pressed the button next to a closet. Then there was a clicking sound, and they all released their button while Chopper opened the closet door.

"Good morning, Sanji!"

This was a special hi-tech security method developed by Luffy so Nami couldn't creep up on Sanji during the night. At first, Luffy just thought of having Sanji drift in an empty lifeboat tied to the Going Choppy (Yes, that's what they renamed their ship), until Sanji brought up the possibility of Nami swimming to the boat in a... disturbing attire (Or lack of attire, whatever you want to call it). So, their glorious captain Chopper made the button idea, and the tech-expert Luffy wired the ship.

As Sanji walked out of the closet, he said, "Geez, it gets stuffy in that closet. There needs to be a fan in there."

"You want Nami in there?" asked Usopp.

"No, not that kind of fan." replied Sanji.

"Oh," said Usopp, then he started crying and dropped down to his knees. "I'm so sorry for misunderstanding! I have eternally ashamed myself! I am not worthy of being in this crew!"

Chopper laid the palm of his hoof on Usopp's head. "You are forgiven."

Slowly, Usopp stood back up as his tears vanished. His eyes were wide and his jaw hang open. He was silent.

"Well, that's over now." said Sanji, as he took out a box of small cigar-shaped granola sticks (Cooked by Luffy) and stuck one in his mouth, then lit it with a match (It was a hi-tech Listerene granola stick, and lighting it sped up the chemical reactions that clean the mouth)

Then Robin walked out of the cabin.

"Ahh! A woman!" yelled Sanji. He hid behind Luffy.

"Okay, I stuck with my part of the button-plan. I get 300 belli out of the treasury, right?" spoke Robin.

"Sure," replied Chopper.

"Thank you." answered Robin, and Nami suddenly ran out from the cabin. "SANJI-KUN!"

"AAAAHHHHHHH!" yelled Sanji. Then he ran and added, "Rapist!"

"Robin! You're EVIL!" Luffy spoke angrily. "I never trusted you in the first place!"

"Robin! How could you!" Zoro spoke soberly. "I've always trusted you, ever since you joined this crew!"

"Hey!" shouted Usopp, after finally snapping out of his awed expression. "There's another pirate ship headed in this direction!"

"OH NO!" Luffy, Zoro, and Robin all shouted at once, then they all started screaming and running around.

Chopper, however, held his stance.

"Don't worry, everyone!" he said. "I'll destroy it!"

Instantly, the crew stopped screaming and running (Well actually, Nami was still chasing Sanji) and started cheering. "YAYYYYY! Chopper!" they yelled.

"Wing point!" Suddenly, Choppers antlers grew and softened into brown wings, while the rest of his body stayed the same. He flew up into the air towards the other ship and stopped right in front of it. "Scope!" He then put his hooves together into the shape of a diamond.

Seeing this, Zoro started shouting, "A beam! He's going to shoot a beam!"

"What do you mean he's going to shoot a beam?" said Luffy. "That's utter nonsense."

"He's going to shoot a beam! A BEAM! A BEAM! A BEAM!"

"I must say, Zoro, you are being totally ridiculous."

"A BEAM! A BEAM! A BEAM! A BEAM!"

The pirate ship hadn't started to attack yet, but Chopper had found its weakness and prepared a special attack...

"Kokutei... STELLA!"

* * *

Afterwards... 

Luffy: You see? Chopper shot a giant star-shaped disc of light that teleported all the ship's treasure onto ours, while the rest of the ship was burnt to ashes. Seriously, I have no clue where you got this stupid "beam" idea.

Zoro: I was wrong not to believe you.

Usopp: What does "stella" mean?

Chopper: It is the Italian word for "star"

Usopp: I am sorry that I did not already know that! I have eternally ashamed myself!

Chopper: You are forgiven.

Robin: Ah, I have all this treasure...

Sanji: Rapist!

Nami: Oh, Sanji, I love your dub voice...

Kanthia: Dubbies are cool!

Straw Hat Crew: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!

* * *

And that, my friends, is another story you'll never hear in One Piece. I don't know if I can think of another chapter though, and I hope Kanthia doesn't mind me using her, heh heh(That was someone else's idea, too). 


	3. Chapter 3

**Even More Things You'll Never Hear/See on One Piece**

Guess what? I actually got an idea for another chapter! But unfortunately, this chapter is rather short. Sorry.

Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or Kanthia (Oi yeah, that's obvious) but there was this kid in Middle School who wanted to own Chick-Fil-A. Yes, I am working on Destroy the Company, don't rush me, dangit! Yes, I'm working on that current event summary for History class, too!

* * *

Luffy was bored for once. In fact, the whole crew was bored,(No, not including Kanthia) as the sky was clear and they laid in a circle upon the deck of the Going Choppy. The only exception was Nami who was drooling over Sanji's body, which was inside a scuba suit(The barrel kind used in the show). Then suddenly, Chopper got an idea.

"Hey! Let's play a game!" he said.

"What kind of game?" asked Luffy.

Chopper replied, "It's called, 'Things You'll Never Hear on the Going Choppy!' "

"How do we play it?" asked Zoro.

"It's easy," said Chopper. "We just make a list of quotes that are too ridiculous to ever be heard."

Robin looked confused.

"For example, 'Sanjji! Leave Nami alone, she doesn't like you!"

This caught Nami and Sanji's attention, although they were spacing off and didn't know what was happening, while the rest of the crew was laughing senseless.

"What's going on?" asked Nami.

Usopp answered, "We're playing 'Things We'll Never Hear on the Going Choppy'. It's like this: Nami! You're so greedy, if we had to pay over 10,000 belli to some guy, you'd slam a boat into him!"

At that moment, Nami's lip quivered and she began to cry. "But I'd never do that! Not even if we went to some place called Skypiea where I learned how to drive a small boat called a waver that didn't use wind and some law enforcer tells us to pay 700,000 belli because we didn't pay the entrance fee! I would never slam a boat into anyone!" She continued sobbing.

"Gosh, Nami, where did you get all that?" asked Usopp.

"Uh, it doesn't seem like she gets the idea of the game yet," stated Zoro.

"Hey Usopp!" said Luffy. "You're the best shot in the world, even better than Zolo!"

"Oh yeah?" replied Zoro. "Well, you eat too much meat and not enough vegetables!"

"And as for you," started Robin, "You really need one night without having insomnia."

"Robin is a bookworm! She even read a book about the Rainbow Mist!" claimed Chopper.

"Chopper is short!" said Sanji. "Er, you're not offended, are you?"

"No, Sanji," answered Chopper. "But your cooking is utterly fantastic! And you wear the fanciest clothes ever!"

"Hey, let's talk ridiculously about other people too!" said Luffy. "Buggy has the worst hearing ever!"

"Jango is weird!" said Usopp.

"Arlong never uses a can opener!" siad Zoro.

"Mr. 2 is gay!" said Sanji.

"Wapol is fat! " said Chopper.

"Well, um... hey, I can't think of anything!" complained Robin.

Nami kept crying.

Anyway, they continued playing for hours.

* * *

Afterwards...

Luffy: Hey! I see land!

Zoro: Wait, what is that place?

Robin: I don't know because I never read books.

Usopp: (Adjusts goggles) Wait, it looks like... New York City!

Chopper: Ha! I had planned to come here all along!

Nami: (Still crying)

Sanji: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! A GIANT WOMAN!

And so, these are more things that you will never hear or see on One Piece. Especially the last part.


	4. Chapter 4

**Random Things You'll Never Hear/See on One Piece**

WOOT! A new chapter! Rejoice! Well actually, I don't know about how well I did this, since it has more randomness and less things-you'll-never-hear-in-One-Piece than usual.  
Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece. Eiichiro Oda owns One Piece and 4Kids owns the hospitalized clone. Please review.

* * *

It was a sunny afternoon. The sun was high in the sky, and it was also later than 12:00, but earlier than 6:00 (Duh). 

"Checkmate."

"ARRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" cried an agitated Robin. "I can't believe I lost to Luffy AGAIN! And it's the hundredth time in a row! I hate you! GRRR!"

"Okay, who's next the victim to challenge my utterly superior intelligence?" asked Luffy, as he pushed his glassed up.

"I'll pass," replied Usopp, who was the only person there with Luffy and Robin, since Zoro was on lookout duty, Sanji was running away from Nami, and Chopper was doing difficult, important duties that only the captain has the charisma to do.

_

* * *

In the captain's cabin... _

"Alright, who would win in a fight? A hurricane, or Wapol?"

"Hmm, that's a tough one. I'll have to go with Wapol."

"What if the name of the Hurricane was Hurricane Wapol?"

"Whoah, now that changes everything!"

And at the punch line, Chopper giggled with the laugh track. Suddenly--

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! It's the attack of the Cheesy Muffins With Extra Butter!"

"AAAHHHHHHH!

This time, Chopper screamed with the people on the T.V. as they began running in random directions.

"MWAHAHAHAHAAA!"

"Oh no! It's.. I'ts.. It's.. It's.. It's.. It's.. It's.. It's.. It's.. It's.. It's.. It's.."

Chopper gasped. "It's the POUND CAKE!"

"It's.. It's.. It's.." The young man on the screen kept stuttering, until the boss of the Cheesy Muffins With Extra Butter actually moved and ate the illiterate fool. There was the sound of people screaming from the television, as well as Chopper.

The Pound Cake, laughed sinisterly and spoke, "Sorry, but this town isn't cheesy enough for all of us!"

"Who will the Cheesy Muffins With Extra Butter and the Pound Cake attack next? And would Wapol really beat a hurricane? Find out, on the next episode of...

"CHEDDAR CENTRAL"

By this point, Chopper was biting his nails, when suddenly the door to the cabin opened and in came Zoro. "CAPTAIN CHOPPER!"

"WAHH!" Chopper yelled, surprised after watching the world's most terrifying horror flick that only a certain manly reindeer pirate captain had the bravery to view. But when he realized it was only Zoro, he calmed down and stood in a stance that gave him back the authority of being captain. "Yes, Zolo?"

"There's a pirate ship on the horizon! We're going to be attacked!"

"Aye! I will lead this crew to victory!"

"Hey, is that a television? I never knew those existed in the One Piece universe!"

"Kokutei Amnesia!"

_

* * *

Back on deck... _

The sun was high in the sky, and it was later than 12:00, but earlier than 6:00.

The Straw Hat crew was running around like the people from the television when Chopper and Zoro appeared on deck. "There's nothing to fear," announced Zoro. "Our captain is here!" Then as usual, the crew stopped running and screaming, then went, "YAYY!"

"Sanji!" Chopper spoke. "How far away is the enemy ship?"

"Well," Sanji began, then he realized the enemy ship was right in front of them. "OMIGOSH! THE ENEMY SHIP IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF US!"

"What pirate crew is it? Check the ship's mark!" Chopper then asked.

"Uh," Sanji looked up the mast and saw that instead of a flag, there was a white sheet that said, "Random Pirates". "OMIGOSH! IT'S SOME RANDOM PIRATES!" Sanji yelled.

Then a figure appeared over the stem post of the ship and spoke out, "MWAHAHAHAHAHA! I am the captain of the random pirates!"

"Wait a minute, that's Bowser from the Super Mario video games," said Usopp.

"No I'm not! I'm the captain of the random pirates! And I shall destroy you all!"

"Yup, that's Bowser." said Nami.

"SUGEEAAAAHHHHHHH!" Luffy spoke with delight. "It's Bowser! Can I have your autograph?"

Bowser dully answered, "Uh... no."

"WHAT! WHY NOT?" Luffy angrily asked. In the background behind Luffy, Kanthia walked by and waved at the camera smiling.

"Because I'm going to fight your crew, you idiot."

Luffy began furiously waving his arms around, then he started punching the air a few feet in front of him, like he does in his attack Gomu Gomu no Gatling, but right now, he was moving his arms so furiously, they were a cylindrical blur. "Gomu Gomu no..."

"Stand back!" Chopper warned the other crewmates.

"BEEEEEAAAM!" Suddenly Luffy's arms, which were punching only a meter in front of him, shot out towards Bowser and trapped him within the blur of swiftly moving fists. After a few seconds, the attack began to recede, and Luffy brought his arms back to his side. All that was left of Bowser was a smoldering crater.

As Luffy was panting, Zoro just said, "Well, that was quick."

* * *

Okay, well, that wasn't too lame, was it? Well at least I already have an idea for the next chapter, and if nothing too personally bad happens to me because of Hurricane Wilma, I should get that done in a somewhat short time, so the "Afterwards" will be on there as well. Au revoir. Please review. 


End file.
